Deja Vu

Today is the day that 3 years ago my world was turned upside down when this precious little girl entered into it.  My heart has never been the same and I can't imagine what life was like before she arrived.  I know that right now I may not be able to be the mom I would like to be.  I know that there are times I rely too much upon my mom and my mom-in-law to help me do the things I would like to do myself, but I would not give her back for anything.  Along with Jeff and my Gram they remind me that I'm doing what I have to do right now and that someday things will be different.  They remind me that my little girl loves me unconditionally and that I am doing all right.

I had the opportunity to just take a minute and reflect back today.  Not in a way I would have preferred, but I was able to lay in a bed in Labor & Delivery and think back on that day 3 years ago.  I got to listen to the heartbeat of this second little one waiting to come and remembered listening to A's heartbeat and "whumps" as she waited patiently for the doctor to deliver her in the only way that would permit her to survive and have her opportunity here on Earth.  I remember the excitement of finally thinking I'd be able to see her.  Wondering when I'd have to go through all the pain to have all the joy.  I remember watching Jeff sitting in the rocking chair or the couch, much like today, waiting patiently for a report from the nurse or doctor and trying to look calm and confident.  I will never forget the look on his face when I woke up in recovery and saw him with this white bundle in his arms saying, "Addison, meet your mommy."  We had no idea what was in store for us.  It was so easy then, when she was an hour old!  Somewhere I blinked and now suddenly she is three and I'm afraid I'll blink again only to discover that suddenly she's 13!

Baby number 2 is apparently okay, just not moving around a lot the last few days, but still has a strong and steady heartbeat.  He/She is only 5 weeks away from making their debut and I know my heart will be tugged again and our world will be flipped upside down once again.  I'm not sure how I'll be able to manage two and still balance everything else, but as Jeff loves to tell me, "It'll all work out." He's right.  It will.  I love my family.  All of them.  Although I hadn't planned on spending my day the wa yI did today, I'm grateful for the chance to sit and think and remember.  So often I don't take the time to do that.

I needed it today.